I once won a terrible board game on Nickelodeon. I mean “won.” I actually got disconnected while calling a contest line after I had gotten through to the channel. I got really angry. My mom called them to complain. They gave me priority to the next contest. I got the quiz wrong and the host pretended to have heard the right answer and pulled out a jackpot prize. It was a copy of The Game of Life, probably the least exciting board game a kid can win.
The game was dog water, and there's probably a lesson in there somewhere about how cool and good it is to complain until you get free stuff, but we don't have time for that. Instead, I'd like to draw your attention to Floops Big House Adventure. It's a dirty, slimy Saturday morning shooter, Aaahh!!! Real Monsters meets Ren and Stimpy. Some of you will hate it already from the header screenshot, I imagine. Personally, the art drew me in right away.
Watch on YouTube
It's pretty straightforward as far as the shooting goes. Horrible little bastards come from all sides, and you subject them to gun violence with a selection of collectible weapons. Floop farts when you're hit, and his life is measured in tacos, to paraphrase TS Eliot. Shoot enough horrible little bastards, and a horrible big bastard appears.
There are bouncing balls of fur that seem to be in perpetual pain until they jump, at which point their agonized gaze turns into a faint flatulent smile, as if they are temporarily relieved of crippling joint pain. There are balls of tentacles à la Bart Vs The Space Mutants. There is an upgrade shop run by a smoking, anus-headed gentleman named Bob.
I played with mouse and keyboard, but it's a bit stiff as it is, so controller is the best option here – it gets more and more hellish as you progress. This is what the Steam page says:
FEATURES
- Quick Races – Floops can be beaten in under 20 minutes!
- Retro Saturday morning cartoon action!
- Nostalgic Nickelodeon art style!
- 90s references galore! Spot them all over Floops House.
- Random waves will keep you on your toes as cartoon chaos erupts. Learn the enemies' different attacks and patterns to rack up the highest score!
- Synergies and item bonuses await you! Try them all to discover the unique combos you can create.
- Hardcore Mode! Complete the game with healing restrictions to test your mettle.
- Fun costumes to equip!
20 minutes, you might say! That's just enough time to eat several big bowls of cereal and a few lollipops that were marketed as too sour to handle, unless you're a real guy. Actually, I don't miss the '90s at all, now that I think about it.